What do you do when someone opts out?

Many professional women in my life have been asking the same question over the last couple of weeks:

What if someone unsubscribes from my list?

The tone of their questions is usually full of fear, like, “Oh my gosh. Some teeny percentage of my list of contacts has decided not to get info from me anymore!” Now I know we all treat each of our contacts with the utmost respect and love, and deliver seriously great service. We feel close to each one of our contacts, like our list is one big family. If one of our contacts opts out of our list, it’s like we’ve lost one of our own.

My good friend and mentor, Nancy Marmolejo over at Viva Visibility, blogged about this very issue a couple of weeks ago:  I Survived a List Purge (You Can Too).  This is what got me thinking about this topic.

Then, I started hearing from a whole bunch of women entrepreneurs:

“I had one person unsubscribe!”

“One of my contacts said they were not interested.”

“What do I do if someone opts out?”

Like Nancy, I say, “Let ‘em go!” Focus on those who have made the conscious decision to stay on your list. You will likely never really know why the one person left your list, so don’t waste energy on tracking them down, finding out why they left, and what you can do to get them back. Use that same energy to thank those who have decided to stay, or offer them some bonus piece of information, or just say hi.

I’d love to hear how you, and the professional women you know, feel when one of your contacts opts out. Do you take it personally? Or do you re-focus on the vast majority of your “family” that’s still at home?

I’m just finishing up a teleseminar with Jennifer Bourn of Bourn Creative, as part of Gina Bell’s List Attraction Week series.

This call was chock full of information about best ways to make sure your web pages and blog posts hit high in search rankings. If you have the chance to listen to Jennifer, I highly recommend you do so. Head on over to her web site and grab her white paper. That’s Bourn Creative:  Killer SEO Strategies.

How appropriate that Kathryn Bigelow won the Oscar last night! Today is International Women’s Day.

Wondering how you might celebrate this day? Which woman is worthy of your respect and attention today? How about YOU? Yes, you. Today of all days, you should be able to put yourself first. Tell people you’re celebrating a holiday. Go ahead, be selfish.

I started thinking about this topic during a discussion of “What You Wish You Knew Then”. People were talking about the differences in their lives once they discovered that what makes them happy is just as important as what makes other people happy.

It really is true…if you are not happy, then it’s likely that no one around you is happy. Sounds self-centered to some people, especially women, but it’s not. And it is not even close to Gordon Gecko’s philosophy of “Greed is good.”

The late Thomas Leonard, the founder of Coach University, said, “When you become truly selfish, you’ll have the extra reserves needed to really care about—and be generous with—others.”

Think about it. When you truly take care of yourself, only then can you have the reserves necessary to be generous with others. How many of us have this backwards? We take care of everyone (and everything) else, and leave ourselves for last. How can we even think about being generous with what we don’t have to give? For many of us, this phenomenon is a significant contributor to our stress levels. And we’re accomplishing great things in spite of our stress levels, so what’s wrong with that?

The obvious answer is burnout. We see it all around us. Friends, colleagues and family members who are stuck in careers they don’t want, in relationships that are going nowhere, living lives they didn’t choose—their gifts and talents going underutilized, or being buried under the pile of “shoulds”.

Perhaps the real benefit of becoming selfish is giving your gifts and talents room to develop. “Gifts and talents need nourishment; they don’t blossom fully without it. If you’ve got a special talent or gift—and most of us do—become selfish for the sake of that if you cannot bring yourself to be selfish for your own sake.” (Thomas Leonard, again.)

We each have been given an incredible opportunity. I believe we all owe it to the world to live the best life we possibly can. There’s no point to doing otherwise. Are you doing that? I know I’m not, but I am getting better at it. Maybe if each of us gets a bit more selfish, we’ll not only be living the lives we want and deserve, but being more generous with each other and changing our world as we go.

Now the question is, “Where do I even begin to be more selfish?” Try scheduling some time each week, when it really is “all about you”…and keep the appointment!  Time to read a book, take a bath, get outdoors, write in your journal (or work on that novel)—whatever you need to do more of to take care of your self. You’ll be surprised how quickly you (and your friends and family) see a change.

Go ahead…make your self happy!

Today is March 4th. Which is a homonym for March Forth! Let me make an argument for doing just that.

Awhile back I met a friend and colleague for lunch. We were going to continue a previous discussion about how we might work together. I thought I was so prepared. I had outlined a really cool workshop we could deliver together. Target audiences, key messages, logistics, the whole shebang.

She read it through, put down my masterpiece, and said, “That’s it?” I was crestfallen. This woman and I have literally been talking for years about how we could work together to empower women to change their world.

“That’s it?” I was crushed. “What do you mean?” I asked.

“This is good. But I was thinking we could create a whole program—not just a workshop.”

Anyone (or any fish) can think big!

Oh…she wanted more! She was thinking big; I was thinking small. We spent the next half hour brainstorming what a program might look like, and who our ideal clients would be. We were both excited about our prospects, and had clear next steps to research our market. We are now putting the finishing touches on our program description, and getting it ready to present to potential partners. And I’ve discovered that any program can be broken down into smaller workshops or other products, which doubles our revenue possibilities!

This experience really challenged me to look at my goals and objectives, and my plans for my life and my business. Was I thinking too small about everything? Possibly. But my brain was beginning to hurt. I couldn’t handle thinking bigger about every aspect of my business and my life. But I could deal with a little mind expansion in one area at a time. So, I’m focusing my efforts on this new program (more about this in future post), and on creating a few really powerful ways to work with professional women that fit easily into their lives, schedules and budgets.

Yes, thinking big created a bit more work on my end. But thinking big also created a lot more opportunities—not only for my clients to get mentoring and solutions that work for them, their budgets and their schedules—but for me too. More opportunities to work with women who want to transform their lives and their world by asking for (and getting) the money they deserve; more opportunities to diversify and expand my business. Everybody wins.

Is there an area of your life or your business that you’re thinking too small about?

Today is also National Grammar Day. One way to celebrate is by watching this…

Why does power have such a bad rep, especially for women? Some people think it means controlling others, others believe it leads to corruption, still others shy away from the attention that comes when it’s used.

I like to focus on the positives of power:

It can get you from one place to another.
It makes things glow.
It allows you to step out and claim what’s rightfully yours.

And, the successful embracing of your own personal power can lead to all three of these.

Many women have had to search for their own personal power. After years of cultural, familial, or societal conditioning, their personal power ends up buried somewhere—under some internal rock, inside someone else’s expectations, or in an alter ego who may or may not be hidden.

Personally, I consider myself lucky. I’ve always known I am powerful. My challenge has been to use it wisely. To keep it bottled up and not let it come shooting out of the ends of my fingers (or, more likely, from my barbed tongue) at the drop of a hat. “Pick your battles,” is some of the best advice I’ve ever received.

When I used my power indiscriminately, I alienated people, limited myself, and generally made my life more difficult. I focused my power on tearing things or other people down, rather than on creating things and building people up. What’s the difference now? In short, stuff happens.

I have more and better ideas, because there’s enough space in my brain for them to come in. It’s no longer chock full of plans to win all those unimportant battles (like how I’m going to get my daughter to clean up her room or how I’m going to look better than my co-worker).

I attract really interesting people into my life. By stepping out and using my personal power to create instead of tear down, I’m meeting people with similar goals, and we’re working on ways to help each other change the world. I do more than I ever thought I could.

Are you feeling the twinges of your own current of personal power yet? Wondering how to get started wiring (or re-wiring) yourself to embrace your power and wear it comfortably? How about creating your Personal Power Manifesto?

The Manifesto of Lululemon, an athletic wear company.

A manifesto, you say? Isn’t that too radical? A manifesto is merely “a public written declaration of principles, policies, and objectives” (as defined by the Encarta dictionary). It’s just a list of what you believe, how you’ll behave, and what you’ll achieve. Is it the “public” part that’s scaring you? Well, you can start with just writing it and printing it out. Get it out of your head and onto paper. Keep it somewhere where you can see it regularly. As you get more comfortable with it, share it with others.

The great benefit of a manifesto is the clarity it brings. By writing it down, you more clearly define what you want and how you want to get it. And the increased clarity makes it easier to find, achieve, and/or attract what you want.

To get you started, I’ll share mine. It’s at the end of this post. Feel free to edit it however you like. Once you’ve created your own manifesto, then share it. Add it as a comment to this post, put it on your web site or Facebook page, tweet about it.

And if you’re still balking at the concept of finding and using your personal power, I give you this quote from Elisabeth Kübler Ross:

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

You have to have power to turn on your light.

I choose to find and embrace my personal power, as a key step in leading my own life.

I will not wait for others to give me permission to use my personal power. The very fact that it is “personal” allows me, and only me, the right to decide where, when, and how to use it.

I will no longer keep my personal power bottled up. It just gets stale and nasty.

If I have not yet found my personal power, I commit to the sometimes difficult investigative work of locating it. I will ask myself tough questions, and look critically at my past experiences with my personal power.

If I find that my personal power has been hiding in an alter ego, I will embrace that alter ego, and welcome it into my life. I commit to integrating my alter ego into my own ego—it’s easier to live a single life rather than a double life.

I throw off others’ expectations of when and how to use my personal power. I trust that I actually do know what’s best for me, and will live up to my expectations of my self as the leader of my life.

I assist and encourage others in their discovery of their personal power, and I allow myself to ask for help on my own journey.

I celebrate all victories and accomplishments along the way. I give my self permission to step out, to be bold and brave, to make mistakes and learn from them.

I choose to be fair and judicious in using my personal power.

I choose to get comfortable with my personal power, and all its many benefits.

What will you do to celebrate?

OK, so there really is not a connection between Women’s History Month and a word of the day. But I came across the following while I was cleaning out some old writings.

Word of the day: virago. One definition is “noisy, scolding or domineering woman”; another is “large, strong, courageous woman”. Guess which one’s my fave?

March is National Women’s History Month…what will you do to celebrate the strong, courageous women in your life? Even more importantly, what are you doing to make yourself more strong and courageous?

We hear it all the time, from all sorts of places.

You can’t do that in the new economy.

You can’t expect that in the new economy.

That just can’t happen in the new economy.

So many people are waiting until the new economy turns around, rebounds, transforms into the new new economy. They are afraid to take a risk, afraid to try something new, afraid to ask for anything. It’s like that famous scene in Oliver! where all the children are hungry because no one wants to ask for more.

People and organizations are paralyzed with fear. Fear of risk, fear of losing, fear of being slapped by the head of the orphanage. Call me crazy, but I think there’s opportunity to move when everyone else is standing still. It’s all about clarity and focus.

Lately, I’ve found it easier for people to respond with a “yes” when my asks are much more specific than usual. Here’s an example:

Non-specific Ask and Response:
Would you be interested in working with me?
Well, not right now. I’m still investigating other options. I don’t know if I’ll have the time.

Specific Ask and Response:
Do you think you could invest 10 hours over the next 90 days to get your message refocused and get over your fears of asking for what you want?
Yes, I think I can take that on. What’s the next step?

You can help people break their paralysis. Try asking them for something specific, maybe something small initially. That small, initial “yes” can lead to a bigger, deeper relationship and a much larger “yes” down the road.

You can't (and shouldn't) go it alone

Got your attention, didn’t I?

Of course you need money to support yourself (and anyone else who is depending on you). However you don’t need money to support your Self.

Many of us who ask for money on a regular basis can feel alone:  the solopreneur starting her company, the consultant wanting to grow her business, the nonprofit development director wanting to increase donations. Even I have days when I have not talked to another living being for eight hours. And that’s not good.

We all need support around us. The best kind of support doesn’t have a vested interest in keeping you where you are, but has a true desire to see you where you want to be. I was talking with a colleague this morning, and I offered to share a document I was working on. She sounded surprised that I would do such a thing, especially when we are in the same business. Isn’t that helping the competition?

Nope. It’s empowering others to be successful, and that’s what a true support system is all about. There are lots of ways you can gather support around you. Here are a few of my faves:

1. Identify the one (or more, if you’re lucky) place where you get unconditional love. It might be your mom’s house, or on the couch with your dog, or online with your best friend who lives hundreds of miles away. The key word here is unconditional. Toot your own horn once in a while, even if it’s just to say, “I got through the day without spilling coffee all over myself”.
2. Realize that workspace is important. Make sure your desk and/or office feels supportive. Are the colors annoying you? Is your chair uncomfortable? Do you need a better solution for storing papers? Your physical space should also give you unconditional love
3. Connect with others who are like you. Bounce ideas around, test marketing messages, celebrates successes, ask for advice. Some people call these mastermind groups, business-building clubs, or networking circles. The good news is that it doesn’t matter what you call it, and you don’t even have to do it in person. You can do it on Facebook, Yahoo! Groups, or Ning. Check out the How to Ask for Money Ning Network as an example.

Invest some time and effort in supporting your Self, and soon you’ll be asking for, and receiving, more than enough money to support yourself!

If you’ve found other ideas that have worked for you, post them in the comments section. We can build our own little support system right here…

Following our discussion of the words we use to ask for money…

Some of your discomfort around asking for money may come out of the words you’re using. Being less than direct can make you feel like you’re trying to put one over on the person on the other side of the table. You may also be afraid that the words you’re using make you sound (or feel) like a sleazy salesperson.

This fear may actually arise from a lack of self-confidence or self-esteem, and be exacerbated by your discomfort with the words you’re using. Belief in your own value, coupled with deep-down passion about what you’re asking for, allows your own light of confidence to shine through. A clear definition of the value you bring (or the value your organization provides, or the value of your start-up’s idea) is the critical anchor of your request for money.

This logo is a trademark of the National Football League

Let’s use a couple of Super Bowl ads to make this point:

Monster.com’s commercial showed that their service is so valuable they could even help a Beaver Violinist get a job.

Snickers showed their candy bar is valuable enough that it could turn a muddy, football-playing Betty White back into the young male “one of the guys”, and the tagline “You’re not you when you’re hungry” reinforced their message.

Now, if you had enough money to do your own ad, you probably wouldn’t be concerned about building your “ask-for-money” skills. For the rest of you…

Conquer the Fear of Appearing Sleazy by listing the major reason your business idea/cause/consulting practice is important to you. Use your own words–don’t try to take on someone else’s style or phrasing. If the language does not ring true for you, change it. The person on the other side of the table will always sense when you are uncomfortable, and it will make them uncomfortable as well.

Take the time now to get your major reason clear, in your own language, and in your own style. These will become the basis for all of your communications–web pages, social media, email newsletters, brochures, business plans, etc. Make yourself comfortable, and your audiences will be comfortable too.

Now, those of you that know me well may have read the title of this post with a New Yawk accent, and a slightly obnoxious attitude. Like, “Whaddya askin’ for?” And expecting it to be followed closely by, “Who wants to know?” You would be wrong.

I simply mean to get you to think about exactly what you are asking for. Especially when you’re asking for money.

Don't you really want to ask for this?

There are lots of words for money. Here in the US, we sometimes call it “moolah”, “Benjamins”, “bucks”, and “greenbacks”. We also know that when we hear those words, the speaker is referring to a pile of paper legal tender. Too often, we are way less clear when we are actually asking for some of the stuff.

We ask for “support”. We ask for “resources”. We ask for “assistance”. If we’re being slightly less nebulous, we ask for “funding”. Or we ask for “investment”. When was the last time you actually used the word “money” when you were asking for money?

Much of this obliqueness (is that even a word?) comes from our fears and discomfort around money. We’re not supposed to talk about money. We’re not supposed to ask other people about their money. We’re not supposed to volunteer how much money we make or have in our bank accounts. Why do we have these fears? Too many hypotheses to put into this post. Suffice it to say that most of us have some fear or discomfort around talking about money.

Well, here’s a new hypothesis for you. How about asking for exactly what you want?

I just heard all of you gasp.

What, you don’t want to ask that investor to actually write a check? You don’t want to tell the potential donor you need her to give you money? You’re uncomfortable asking a client to pay you dollars commensurate with the value you provide?

How do you feel when you think you're asking for money, and you get stuff like this?

Look at the flip side. Should you be frustrated when the investor wants to trade stock in her company for stock in yours? Would you happy if the potential donor gave you her nasty old office furniture instead of cash? Does your work suffer if you’re secretly thinking, “they aren’t paying me enough”?

Be clear about what you want. It makes it much easier for people to give it to you.

If you’re still uncomfortable using words like money, cash, dollars, income, revenue and profit, you might want to check out my special report: 10 Biggest Fears Professional Women Have Around Asking for Money…and How to Conquer Them! You can get it by filling out the form on the right.

Or, get yourself the newly-released How to Ask for Money Quickstart Program. Three powerful tools to help you overcome your fears, embrace your leadership qualities and ask for—and get—the money you deserve.